Wednesday 16 November 2011

Tomorrow is a ride that goes nowhere...

Another week, another story in the papers about how so many children are born to disadvantaged (alcoholic, poor, junkie) parents/how many people fall through the net of social services/how many 16-17 year olds have been excluded from new government employment scheme. And the answer to all these problems seems to be - give them more money. Bah!

Is there yet not enough people in this country who feel like they should be getting something for nothing all their lives? Has not enough helplessness been already created by giving and giving and giving, money, houses and child benefit? How many more children will be taught it is all right to expect someone else to sort out your life?

This nanny state is going way too far right now, turning healthy young people with ambition into helpless and crippled creatures. Provide basic shelter, food and healthcare, yes. Give people a chance to live the life they want to live, yes. Give people opportunities to learn the skills they will need to do so, yes. Invest in people who will then start companies, create workplaces, pay taxes and give back what they received, yes. Take this money and redirect it into the void made of these who will never, ever work and be a full member of the society, no. Waste what someone else worked for on ambitionless with no idea what to do with their lives, no. Teach people that it will be ok, you will always have enough for Sky package, iPod and two bedroom flat, no!

There was another story in the paper not that long ago. Apparently, in the age of global village, lightning speed communication, open borders, accessible education and free exchange of ideas there is still as little upward mobility between social classes as there was two-three hundred years ago.

Way to go, nanny state.

Friday 11 November 2011

Hello? Can you hear my thoughts?

~~Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to, hello...~~

Have you noticed how much time we all spend inside our heads these days? Facebook in the morning, mp3 player on the bus, writing emails at the same time, then there's a blog to update, some texts to answer, a discussion on a forum you have neglected, so it's time to say hello to everybody and catch up with the topics of interest, Twit some twitterish, tweak your profile here and there, Kindle on a train and MSN - like communication after dinner.

For the first time in history you don't have to speak to talk to people, we all turned into bloody telepaths and nobody even noticed!

It is the age of silence (I don't mean artificial noise we make to drown out the loneliness of our monkey genes). I'm sitting here and the only thing I hear is the click clack of the keyboard and the rain outside and I didn't say a word for at least two hours and I don't feel like speaking. Is this what the future holds? Cubicles of people with atrophied tongues and vocal cords furiously typing with multijointed fingers on more than one keyboard to feel alive in the world of digital words. Oh, no, of course not, we are heading towards a brilliant future of space travel and global village and lots and lots of closeness and monkey chatter, right?

~~Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide, hello...

Sunday 11 September 2011

The philosophies of 2011

In Scotland 2011 the following seem to have an increasing numbers of followers:

Permanent douschbagism - offloading responsibility for one's life on government, parents, church, school, neighbours, society, a selection of deities, GP, social work, family and if pressed, making all decisions by flipping a coin.

Temporary denial of ageing - dodging responsibility for one's life by almost 24/7 immersion in computer games, role playing games, online shooters, MMORPGs, racing games, poker and/or porn, often with a side order of weed.

Social parasitism - avoiding responsibility for one's life by being a third generation raised exclusively on a selection of benefits, expecting to be taken care of, always, and so claiming a lack of understanding of the word 'responsibility'.

Antisocial parasitism - as above, only with added criminal record.

Aggressive anti-everythingism - feeling overly responsible for something by vehemently opposing something else, to a casual observer, these two 'somethings' are not necessarily in opposition or even have anything in common.


Sunday 28 August 2011

All animals are persons, not all persons are animals.

A short quiz tonight fellow bloggers, how much of a monkey are you?

- Do you feel like throwing verbal shite on people you can't stand?
- Do you get an irresistible urge to go and meet up with your pack to sit in a circle and consume fermented fruit?
- Do you like to play with other people's hair?
- Do you stand taller and stare when threatened?
- Can you pick up items with your toes?
- Do you sometimes feel like you should have a tail?

And are you lucky enough to have some cat genes as well?

- Can you ignore people so well, they forget about you and leave you alone?
- Did you put 'sleeping' as one of your activities on Facebook?
- Can you go for a cat nap anywhere, anytime?
- Can you, during a said cat nap, answer questions or even hold a conversation?
- Do you play with dangly objects you encounter?
- Do you view other people mostly as a source of food and entertainment?

The more 'yes' answers you got fellow blogger, the closer you are to a perfect balance. Congratulations. Now go away, I need a nap before an outing to consume fermented fruit...

Monday 22 August 2011

The benefit of hard work.


I see red when I read yet another moan about how unfair it is to reassess benefit claimants, and how dares the government touch the benefits, and what about the children??

--- Let me tell you 'bout hard work---

Well, here's the thing - even the nanny state government is unfortunately not made of money from outer space. It is made of taxpayers money and that means not your money, o benefit claimant and not your money exempt-from-tax-working-under-12-hours-a-week-to-keep-child-tax-credit parent and not your money o thirty year old living off parents loser who worked for a year in his/her/it life. It means my money, the money I put aside and throw at the above mentioned twice a year, knowing fully well that for that effort I will not get a thank you or a free dental care or a decent pension but a monotonous bunch of comments about immigrants stealing Scottish jobs.

--- You don't know nothing about hard work, hard work, hard work ---

The economy in this country collapsed a long time ago. You can't dish out money to individuals who never contributed and don't intend to contribute to the cash pool and expect it all to work. Bloody hell, even during the failed Soviet experiment of introducing equality for all under a red banner, everyone was getting (supposedly) equal amounts of goods, but everyone was also working equally hard! There was no unemployment during the communist times, because the government would find everyone a job. And now, for the first time in human history, who doesn't want to work has it easy... And I'm not ranting blind at you, who try and do something and try again and don't give up and work to make your lives what you want them to be and just claim what you need to survive in the meantime. This is about the lazy and the cunning and the pests.

--- How do you sleep at night? How do you walk with your head held high? ---

So, unless you're a true rasta, stop. Stop expecting that the government will always provide. Stop expecting me to give you what I worked to get. Stop pretending you have a right to receive all this. And if you are a rasta - "Jah will provide..", right?

Sunday 14 August 2011

Looting is the new eBay, man...

With all the analyses flying around trying to discern the cause of the riots I propose this addition to the flock: boredom. Tv coverage and photos show that most of the looters and window smashers were young. Out of 11 to 16 year olds who don't have much idea on what to do with themselves at the end of school holidays - who can resist a perspective of getting free stuff that's hard to buy from you're pocket money or benefits? Who could possibly resist adrenaline surge of running away from the police after smashing their cars with bricks? Who could say 'no' to their colleagues from some fancy named local gang without being called, oh my, 'a woos'?

In the words of one 15 year old female rioter asked why the riots started: "It's the government or something, right? Doing stuff. And the rich people too. But it was fun!"

Yes, most of these people will go back to school soon. Yes, most of them are too young to go to prison for looting, vandalism, arson, maiming, killing, terrorising and general mindless destruction. Yes, I would very much like for the parents to be able to discipline their kids if necessary without feearing that their 11 year old will take them to court. How long before the next school break and rising boredom and tension? Looks like 'Christmas shopping' and 'crowds in stores' might take a different meaning this year...

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Pants rant! Also includes a suggestion of a new fabulous drinking game for the summer.

I'm seriously confused. Why the hell is every second woman on the street wearing flowery pyjama pants? I just have to ask - what happened to good old jeans?

Oh wait. I'm guessing this and that trendy, fashionable, cool magazine called flowery pyjama pants trendy, fashionable, cool and so it's a trendy, fashionable and cool thing to wear. Like the wellies in the winter. Like the leggins last summer.

It's like peoples can't choose what they want to wear any more, they go to the shop and buy full outfits based on what they seen in the trendy magazine, never mind it doesn't suit you at all, it's fashionable so it has to be cool, right?

Wroong!

Not only the street looks like it's filled with escapee H&M dummies, if you are wearing flowery pyjama pants you just seem to be prematurely senile, short denim jackets only look good if there's no rolls of fat flabbing just below them, harem pants are uglier than Ugg boots, gladiator sandals in Scotland? Oh such a great combination of golden leather and purple feet as the weather is Octoberish again and nobody, seriously, nobody looks good in leggins...

Fellow not-magazine-fashion-slaves females. Let's make it known again, that it's trendy to think for yourself, fashionable to wear what you like and cool to like denim and offensive tshirts. For now, how about a new drinking game - go out for an hour and for every pair of pyjama pants encountered on the street - have a shot when back home, being happy wasted - guaranteed.

Friday 20 May 2011

Rage against the machines (personalised)

Although some scientists are still sceptical about it, I do believe in existence of electromagnetic fields that surround technological equipment and affect humans. I also started to believe in a biological equivalent of such, that affects technology. It definitely surrounds me.

Just yesterday I had an argument with a hospital elevator. For a good five minutes (and five minutes is a long time when you're stuck in a 4m by 4m by 6m box, that's clearly considering dropping you to the ground from 6th floor) I would press 'G' button and the elevator would happily go up and announce '6th floor, ward 13', no, 'G', '5th floor, ward 12' nooo, 'G'! '5th floor...' It only got bored after some other people got in but I'm not going back to that hospital unless I have to.

Automatic checkouts. A few times after feeding them with two handfuls of penny change (as it is a fun thing to do when there's a line of people waiting behind you hehe) I got a full handful of the same coins back as my change... and the amount of times they sulk and require assistance for no reason is unreal. I even got asked for ID to buy glue! Not Superglue, that you apparently need ID to buy these days, just normal paper-gluing glue. Spiteful little things.

Computers, mobiles, printers develop a nasty personality after being around me for too long and throw tantrums over nothing. Especially computers. They crash, blue screen and stroll slowly through brain check routine on startup them even though you switched everything off properly and refuse to perform certain operations for no reason. Yes, a real life computer says no. Awesome.

My mobile only allows me to open certain websites and even that after extensive negotiations. When it gets cranky it will 'forget' to let me know about new emails and eat through the battery like a starving hamster even though it's not doing much apart from lying in my pocket and, hopefully, monitoring emails. Voicemail just switches itself off the moment I'm finished with its setup. I'm clearly not allowed too much human interaction at all.

Oh ay, a lightbulb exploded a couple of times after I walked into a room and switched the light on. Literally, in shards.

So, should I go on a plane next week or maybe getting a horse drawn carriage would be a better idea?

Sunday 15 May 2011

Fear the nobodies, wanna be somebodies.

It's becoming a strange experience to turn on telly on Sunday afternoon and realise, that half of the programmes are fly-on-the-bedroom-wall documentaries about people. Not conventionally famous people, people who have done something out of ordinary, inspiring people. Just...

--- we are the nobodies ---

Oh, right, celebrities. Seems like an awful waste of language to create a word especially for people, whose only contribution to society is supporting economy by buying lots of stuff to be shown wearing on a telly. And in magazines. Seriously, when I pick up a gossip magazine, I have no idea who most of these people are. So, you have appeared in episode 3425 of some soap or other, slept with used to be famous footballer three years ago, released a single that never made it into top 20? Why, oh why should I care about you more than about my landlord, kid in a supermarket who picked up my Nectar card I almost lost or a call centre woman who efficiently dealt with my complaint? At least these three random people have some influence on my life. They...

---wanna be Somebodies---

Or the newspapers. Some celebrity woman miscarried last week. Probably, a thousand woman miscarried in the UK on the same day. Maybe a million or more around the globe. Sympathy, nevertheless, do explain, o newspaper editor, how is this story front page news...? Oh, and then there's the spouses, celebrities-by-attachment, how sad is it to be known and recognised by other sad people on a street or in cyberspace, just because your wife/husband/partner of undetermined sex is known for being known? The worst case of passive, not even life, existence...

---we're dead, we know just who we are---

Happy thought to end with. To a celebrity - so, if you are known for being known and you exist for being recognised and I don't recognise you, does it mean you do not exist after all? I hope I made someone cry.

Wednesday 4 May 2011

We are all discriminated in the bonny land of equality

In the name of all hard working, tax paying, healthy, childless, young people, who feel discriminated on every day basis, I propose:

- fresh air breaks at work in a special designated area
- special seats on the bus for young and not disabled people with no prams
- introduction of tax directing - if you worked and paid taxes for three years straight you can choose what your taxes go towards and if it's not benefit scrounging eight kids running riot so called families, oh well...
- designated no kids flights to destinations overseas
- a right to punch anyone who starts a sentence with "These bloody immigrants, stealing our jobs..." in the jaw

Any more ideas, o fellow sufferers of so called equality?

Monday 25 April 2011

So, if Fb is shite, why are you reading this?

I have been subjected to unusually high rates of social networking related moaning recently. Facebook is shite, Twitter is pointless and who needs them manky social networking accounts anyway? Well. Here's a simple test of whether you need one.

Delete your Facebook account and see how long you can go without getting a twitch to check it. Ha!

If there's no twitch, congratulations, carry on with your life, have fun, take pictures. Getting this uneasy feeling about not having anywhere to share them online? Ha!

No? Ok, chill out, go for a pint, be the last one to know that someone got pregnant/married/dumped because it's been announced online only. Feeling excluded yet? Ha!

If still no, than you clearly don't need a social networking account and, for the love of gods of logic and healthy insanity, just delete your account and stop MOANING ABOUT NETWORKING SITES ON THESE NETWORKING SITES! Please.

I keep a number of friends on Fb at 69. It amuses me. Culling from now on will be based on the moanie points allocated for comments such as "Fb is shite." You have been warned peoples.

That is all.

Thursday 10 February 2011

So, how does it feel to be immortal?

More and more often I emerge back into so called real world to realise that it's already happened, when we were not paying attention, fascinated by the shiny lights and new horizons. Humans went digital.

Who needs some complicated nanotechnology to map your brain and reconstruct it in hypothetical cyberspace? There's Second Life and World of Warcraft and OGame. There's virtual casinoes, cafes and dating rooms. There's blogs, foras and chat rooms on any topic any mind can think of. There's Facebook , Twitter and YouTube. You can talk and shop and lead a life you always wanted. It's all in your pocket, all accessible 24/7, evolving tired, disillusioned us into shiny, happy people.

And as we live in a culture terrified by death, no wonder we dodge grey reality to search for immortality. Because for the first time in the history of human race, it is within our reach. Kind of. Everything you type, all the photos you are on and all these silly mobile camera clips will stay on the internet forever.

And who knows? Maybe in 5-10 years your flesh and blood social status will be equal to your status in a MMORPG. Maybe it will be more important to score 10 000 000 000th Facebook comment, create the most impressive 30second movie clip and design the most popular backgrounds for Photobucket than have a family, career, good holidays. You will be as important as your digital portfolio of comments, smileys and likes.

And maybe it has already happened, too...

Thursday 3 February 2011

Bloodsuckers and dogs.

Just finished third book of the famous Twilight tetralogy.

Spoilers ahead. And a heavy dose of disgruntle.

The story is not bad, could be an interesting take on the old theme, but...

Main character - a whiny, weak, needy teenager, constantly grumpy with people and with serious social issues thanks to her whiny, weak, needy mother - gets in trouble faster than an rpg character with drastically lowered 'luck' stat and requires to be rescued over and over again, which results in many soppy scenes of fear (unnecessary as the object of her so called love is quickly defined as indestructible)/tearful love declarations/cuddles.Yaaurgh (sound of a prolonged yawn combined with teeth grinding). So called love is dubious at best, as in the very first book it is explained that vampires secret some sort of pheromones to make hunting prey easier so it can all be interpreted as a bit of fun with a drugged girl for the bored vampire. And, why consciously choose a cold, hard, corpse like thing (issues again of more seriously deviant nature..?) over a hot (literally), muscly guy that can also turn into a pony sized wolf that you can ride? So, funnily enough, main character kills the book, just like the actress playing main character killed the movies :D.

And the urge to have sex with something that has no blood circulation..? Well, good luck with that...


Thursday 20 January 2011

Overload

2011

Welcome to our shiny brave new world, connect to internet and disappear in a digital multiverse of multiple personalities, talk to people on the other side of the world just getting ready to fall asleep as you are drinking your morning coffee, wave to them via internet camera, take a picture of your toes and put it in a Photobucket and watch someone use it in an ad campaign, rant on a social networking sites, get a blog, two blogs, three, find any information you need in a flash without having to dig through dusty books in a forgotten corner of a library, play poker, send emails, earn money, lose money.

And when it's this inevitable time to leave the house, take it all with you in your pocket as a smartphone, that's as cheap as a monthly cost of broadband in our shiny brave new world, as an iSomething, as an eBook and once again, complain to anyone who listens, how bored you are and how dull your life is, .

It's like we are all turning into spoiled children throwing a tantrum after getting too many toys.

Thursday 6 January 2011

They can't take away our freedom, right?

After reading a couple of books, one set in 16th century England another in 21st century USA.

So back then. Such a limited life! Men were supposed to fight for their country and provide for their family. Women were supposed to marry and provide the family until premature death in eleventh labour. A lucky man had a career to pursue and some time to spend with his wife before she died. A lucky woman had family and friends around to help out while her man was pursuing career.

So now. Such freedom.! Men are supposed to provide for family. Or stay home and raise children. Or not. Or both. Or earn lots of money and burn out before 30. Or stay on a dole and burn out their digital enemy tanks on xbox360. Or stay with their parents forever. Or marry. Or not. Or both. Children are not compulsory either. Or career. Or anything really. Women? Still supposed to have children. Or at least like children. Or hate children. Have some opinion about sprogs at least. Or pursue career. Or both. Or not. Or stay home and help parents of their new boyfriend take care of his children from first and second marriage. Or go out and have fun. Or not be a slut. There's also gay/lesbian option, respectively.

So, confused an feeling like we're failing ourselves constantly, we turn to the last bastion of hierarchy and structure - internet. Admins, moderators, deserved users, paying members, members, guests, dial-in users, modem users, fibreoptic users, bloggers with readers, bloggers hunting for readers, trolls. Choose your category. Submit a request to maybe do this. You can do this. You can not do that. Post any of these and you will be banned. Disappear back to the confusion. Shoo, go away now, the freedom awaits...